"In the presence of someone calm, we can find our own calm. Co-regulation is a shared process of finding balance together." – Unknown
What is Co-regulation?
On the parenting site, Motherly, contributors work towards creating a world in which all mothers are thriving and have the resources they need to care for their child(ren). Rachel Gorton, a mother herself, published a personal essay where she talks about how hard it was to know how to deal with and react to her child having erratic outbursts to even the simplest of tasks like getting dressed in the morning before school. She talks about how she started to notice a pattern in her own responses: she would either try to make the behavior stop or try to prevent the behavior completely, which both made her feel like a failure. Eventually, she explains that one of the most eye-opening moments was when she realized:
“He’s not trying to give me a hard time—he’s having a hard time.”
This allowed her to come from a place of empathy and compassion and try to truly understand his feelings and help him work through them to reach a solution.
What she ultimately discovered was the power of what is referred to as co-regulation. A video from the Administration for Children and Families defines co-emotional regulation as having intentional interactions that foster skills they need to build happy and healthy lives through learning the power of self-regulation. The National Institute for Children’s Health Quality defines co-regulation as caregivers actively supporting children in managing emotions through calm, responsive interactions. Through modeling appropriate behaviors and creating spaces for open communication, caregivers allow children to develop the skills they need to self-regulate later on in life.
Why Does Co-Regulation Matter?
Gerard Costa, PhD, the founding director of the Center for Autism and Early Childhood Mental Health at Montclair State University in New Jersey, explains:
“The brain is a social organ, co-constructed with others. Most of what we become as individuals, and most of the unique wiring of our brains are experience- dependent. This wiring begins and is defined by the relationships in those earliest years when the brain is growing at an unparalleled rate.”
During these developmental stages, adults should assist children in acknowledging their emotions and modeling appropriate responses to those emotions. The Jai Institute for Parenting discusses how providing environments where emotional regulation is modeled, discussed, and practiced allows children to experience and express their full range of feelings, which promotes emotional well-being and the development of effective coping strategies. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services says that better self-regulation skills are linked to more positive outcomes in life, including higher income and lower rates of substance use and violence.
Pamela Cole, PhD, a psychologist at Penn State University further addresses the importance of emotional regulation:
“Emotion regulation calls on so many skills, including attention, planning, cognitive development, and language development.”
Emotional co-regulation becomes increasingly important when helping children, and teens, navigate big or negative emotions. Harvard Health Publishing talks about the benefits of co-regulation when children are dealing with undesirable emotions, including:
- Handling stress;
- Resisting immediate gratification;
- Avoiding hasty, ill-informed decisions;
- Solving problems;
- Considering the perspective of others;
- Adapting to challenges and;
- Taking healthy risks.
Co-regulation is considered a key factor in building resilience. Resilience is a cornerstone for emotional well-being and is often developed through a healthy response to stressful situations. In stressful moments, children often mirror the energy and words of their caregivers. This makes it crucial for adults to provide a calm and supportive example to help children navigate negative emotions. Modeling behaviors and practicing co-regulation can be a daunting and sometimes challenging task. However, the following tips from The Devereux Advanced Behavioral Health Center for Resilient Children can ease your experience and help establish an environment where children can emotionally thrive:
- Take a moment and regulate your own emotions in the situation.
- Get down to their level and let them know you are listening and are there to support them
- Validate and help them name their feelings
- Offer prompts, strategies, and choices of what is acceptable.
- Teach the child self-soothing strategies when they are feeling overwhelmed.
- Use positive reinforcement and praise.
- Listen; children need to know it is okay to talk about big feelings.
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Practical Example
Let’s use these strategies to work through a practical example. Your child just had a basketball game. They didn't get much playing time, and their team lost the game. On the car ride home, they are quiet. When you get home, you help them hang their bag and then ask, “Honey, is there something bothering you?” Suddenly, they let loose and said: “I hate basketball, I hate you, I hate everybody!”
Your blood starts to boil, and your immediate reaction is to yell and send them to their room. However, you remember what you learned in your parenting class about co-regulation.
You take a deep breath, crouch down to their level, and say, “It seems like you are feeling upset about something. It’s okay to feel upset sometimes, but it’s not okay to let out your anger on other people. How about we take three deep breaths together and then we can talk about what is bothering you?”
Reluctantly, they agree. After, they tell you how they were bothered they didn’t get more playing time, and they feel like they aren’t good enough to be on the team.
You tell them, “Listen, it’s hard when we feel like we aren’t the best at something. We did commit, and we need to see the season through. But we have options. We could spend 10 minutes every day shooting hoops in the driveway or you could ask Coach to stay after practice a few times a week to help you. What would you like to do?”
They choose to talk to the Coach and ask her to help them a few days after practice work on their skills.
A few weeks later, they start and play almost the whole game. However, in the next game, they don’t play much. Yet, this time, they say on the car ride home, “I am upset I didn’t get to play a lot today.” You talk it through and tell them you are so proud of their hard work and how they are handling their emotions.
Finding Support
The above scenario showcases the strategies of co-regulation and how they can guide children to recognize their emotions and decide the best route to take.
Above all, remember that if the task of co-regulation becomes difficult, use your resources:
- Talk to your child’s school counselor
- Ask your local librarian if there are books to help inform your journey
- Look for parent education programs in your community
- Search for community-based yoga classes, or
- Seek out support groups for complex cases where there are specific needs, like existing anxiety or trauma.
While navigating the needs of co-regulation, outside support can ease the mental load and increase the benefits for you and your child. By modeling calm and intentional interactions, caregivers not only equip children with the tools to manage their emotions but also lay the foundation for a lifetime of positive outcomes. The journey of co-regulation requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to grow alongside children, but its rewards are immeasurable and can lead to a generation of emotionally strong individuals who are equipped to face life’s challenges.
If you have any questions or comments about the content in this Lightbulb Moment article, please get in touch with our Research Lead, Madeline Attianese, at mattianese@chsnc.org.
