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STEP ONE: UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM AND ITS EFFECTS

After determining that a couple would benefit from a Living above Suspicion Contract, the mediator must set the stage for contract negotiation by striving to understand the problem and its effects from the couple’s point of view. To do this, the mediator must commit to supporting both husband and wife, assume a non- judgmental stance, and be curious about all the factors that allowed pornography to take hold. The objective of this step is to get a feel for the landscape of the problem and search out the building blocks for solutions.
The following questions may be used to initiate this process. This list is not in any significant sequence and is not comprehensive, but these questions have been found effective in revealing important areas of concern and in generating hope.

1. How has the pornography use affected each individual? The couple? The family? Others?
2. What definition of pornography can both agree on?
3. What pornography-related problems are most troubling for this couple? (The causes of the anxiety and stress cannot be assumed. For example, one couple may be reeling from a related financial debt, and another couple may be concerned with the loss of social or church standing.)
4. Where do they need to restore trust in their relationship?
5. What is the couple’s definition of trust?
6. What would signify that trust is being restored?
7. What would they be willing to do or recommit to if trust were restored?
8. What role will spirituality play in the restoration of trust?
9. Why do both husband and wife think verbal assurances are not enough at this point?
10. What is at stake if the influence of pornography does not stop?
11. What is the time line that both are willing to work within in order to overcome this problem?
12. What is the most that the couple could do to ensure that pornography does not influence their relationship in the future? (This question is based on the work of Jeff Robinson, Ph.D., 2003).
13. What gives them hope that things can change for the better? How will they remain hopeful when things are challenging or change does not happen as quickly as they would like?
14. What do the husband and wife believe to be true about one another and about their marriage that can help them stay the course?
15. What does their willingness to create a contract like this say about them as individuals and as a couple?
16. When they have overcome this challenge, what do they think they will have learned about themselves and each other that they presently cannot detect?