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STEP FIVE: INCREASE AWARENESS AND SOLIDIFY CHANGE

Once the level of safety and trust develops to the point that the couple can discuss their situation somewhat objectively, they might find it helpful to discuss a wider scope of questions that may solidify the changes they have made and deepen their resolve to be unified in their stance against pornography. These questions lead toward the capacity to look outward to a larger sphere of influence once a person has made significant changes in his or her own life. The following questions are intended to increase awareness, unity, and understanding about the issue of pornography, as well as to help clarify a couple’s stance on it:

• Why do you think pornography is a problem in our society at this time?

• From a spiritual perspective, why do you think pornography is rampant in the latter days?

• What do you believe the effects of pornography to be?

• What do you think are the societal beliefs or values that have enabled the pornography industry to grow into a multi-billion dollar business?

• What beliefs and values did you have to accept as true or appealing in order for this problem to take root?

• What do you think made your family susceptible to the influence of pornography?

• How did the problem of pornography use influence the self-image of different family members, especially mothers, wives, and daughters?

• What have you learned or changed during this healing process that will help protect you from the influence of pornography in the future?

• Based on Dr. Wendy L Watson’s idea that “the Lord can alter whatever we are willing to put on His altar; what kinds of “altarations” are needed in this marital relationship? (2001, p. 166)

• How can temple attendance help you live your covenants more fully and protect you from pornography?

• What messages about sexuality, men, women, bodies, relationships, and intimacy that you received as a youth might have contributed to this problem taking root?

• Who in your life would be the most surprised that you have struggled with pornography? Who in your life would be the least surprised?

• What people or organizations will support you in taking an anti-pornography stance?

• When were you first exposed to pornography? Was that incident accidental, forced, or sought after?

• Who else in your world has had a problem with pornography? How did this individual’s problem impact you? Who has been impacted by your problem?

• How did your early exposure(s) to pornography influence your thinking and beliefs about sexuality, men, women, bodies, relationships, and intimacy?

• Are there any ideas or beliefs that you now realize have not served you well and you would do well to abandon?

• How has pornography influenced the way you feel about yourself? What does your hard work in overcoming its influence tell you about yourself?

• What are some healthy ways that you can deal with stress, conflict, and anxiety that do not involve unhealthy ways of coping, escaping, or numbing out?

• What needs did pornography fulfill (social, sexual, physical, emotional, curiosity)? How can these needs be fulfilled in healthy ways? What will replace pornography as a coping strategy?

• As you reflect back on your relationship history, are there any boundaries that should have been in place or respected that weren’t? Consider, for example, the law of chastity, media standards, the Word of Wisdom, or dating standards.

• How can these boundaries be strengthened and respected now? Eastern cultures believe sexual potential is developed by placing emphasis on emotional, mental, spiritual and physical dimensions, as well as on self-discipline (Schnarch, 1991, p. 59).
• How do you think pornography has distorted or influenced your understanding of sexuality and exaggerated the physical dimension of sexuality?

• What do you think you would need to start, stop, or learn in order to introduce a more accurate perspective on sexuality and sexual potential?

• Do you think the kinds of conversations you have regarding sexuality (with spouse, children, or self) and the language you use to express those ideas invite or detract from the Spirit?

• What would need to change in order to express ideas in such a way that you and your spouse become clearer about who you really are, as well as about the divine role of marital intimacy in progression?

• Is there anything you and your spouse would like to do to recognize or celebrate the new kind of relationship you are developing?

• If the societal problem with pornography continues to get worse, what ramifications do you predict for our families, communities, nations, and international community?

• In what ways can you help protect your community from the influence of pornography? Are there groups, coalitions or political efforts that would welcome your support? If not, is there some sort of group that you could start?

• How will you protect your children from pornography? What have you learned through this experience that you would want to pass on to your children?

• What advice would you give other couples who are struggling with the influence of pornography? What advice would you offer to those trying to be supportive of an individual or a couple struggling with pornography?

Couples can overcome pornography’s influence. Using the Living above Suspicion Contract can be a helpful step in the healing process. “Living above Suspicion” is more than a title for an intervention, however; it is an invitation for couples to rise above the worldliness and perversion that prevents them from seeing one another clearly; it is a call for honesty; and it is an invitation for light to be shone into areas of a relationship that have been damaged by secrecy and lies.
As a couple embraces the goals and objectives of the Living above Suspicion Contract, they can begin to sever the puppet strings that have held them captive and have restricted their freedom to enjoy marital intimacy in its truest and purest sense. Pinocchio’s famous tune “I had strings, but now I’m free” indeed echoes a hopeful chorus for those who may be just starting the journey toward freedom and peace from the bonds of a pornography problem, or who doubt these bonds can be broken or overcome.

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REFERENCES

Abrahms-Spring,]. (1996). Ajier the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding
trust when apartner has been unfilithfu1. New York: Harper Collins. Barrh, R. ]., & Kinder, B. N. (1987). The mislabeling of sexual
impulsivity. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 13(1), 15-23.
Robinson, (2003, November). Overcoming pornography: A con- text specific approach. Presentation at the third annual conference of the Utah Coalition Against Pornography, Salt Lake City, UT.
Schnarch, D. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible: An integration of sexual and marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton.
Schneider,. P. (2000). Effects of cybersex addiction on the family: Results of a survey. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 7, 31-58.
Schneider, J. P., Irons, R. R., & Corley, M. D. (1999). A closer look at sex and love addictions. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 24,277-287.
Warson, W. (2001). Purity and passion: Spiritual truths about intimacy that will strengthen your marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.