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DEALING WITH GUILT AND BLAME

In the majority of cases, problems with pornography began long before the couple even met. In fact, many men I have worked with report that they were first exposed to pornography between the ages of seven and eleven and that their pornography consumption gradually    increased    during    their    adolescence.    W omen can benefit from understanding this common history of consumption as they attempt to depersonalize their partner’s pornography use and avoid viewing it as a commentary or judgment on their own bodies, sexuality or attractiveness. Wives can cope more easily if they remember that their husband would likely be struggling with this problem regardless of whom he had married. Furthermore, any man who claims his wife is the reason he seeks out pornographic material for sexual gratification either is avoiding responsibility for his own unhealthy coping skills or is currently unable to appropriately express his needs and wants within the context of a marital relationship. Either way, habitual pornography use is the sole responsibility of the user- never someone else’s fault. A pornography user is never stripped of his or her ability to make choices in the present, even if pornography was introduced in an abusive or forceful manner in the past.