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DANGEROUS CYCLES
What makes this kind of trust problem distinct from others is that the emotional stress that the mistrust triggers increases the risk of relapse in the pornography user. This idea is supported by Robert Barth and Bill Kinder (1987) in their statement that “the sexually impulsive individual uses sexual activity as a means of avoiding or escaping from personal problems, social stress and unpleasant emotions, such as loneliness, boredom, tension, sadness, or anger” (p.16). When a husband is sincerely and earnestly striving to cease pornography use, anxiety escalates when he lives in an atmosphere where his verbal assurances are meaningless and his partner is reeling in her own distress over his secretive behavior. This anxiety, unfortunately, is often managed in unhealthy ways, as the husband may escape to the ever-ready and ever-accepting fantasy world of pornography, which in turn fuels the mistrust.
The therapist must pay attention to how a couple deals with emotional stress and anxiety, as experts in the field of sexual addictions suggest that problems like compulsive pornography use are often a coping response to stress and anxiety (Schneider, Irons, & Corley, 1999). Use of Living above Suspicion Contracts is an attempt to address the connections between mistrust and the cycles of pornography use, while supporting the unique needs of both the husband and the wife. The ultimate goal of these contracts is to reduce the emotional stress and mistrust enough that the couple can receive help, and to buffer the user’s vulnerability to the pornography temptation.
INDIVIDUAL AND COUPLE PATTERNS
The diagram below illustrates some of the individual and couple patterns that I have witnessed in response to pornography problems. The goal of the Living above Suspicion Contract is to begin countering these vicious cycles by introducing what Dr. Wendy L Watson (2001) refers to as “virtuous cycles:’ The interlocking patterns shown are all connected and therefore are made worse when any part of the cycle becomes more rigid or intense. It is helpful for the couple to understand what is happening in the space between them, as well as within each person (see the interlocking patterns involved in this dilemma in Fig. 1 below).
It is understandable that many women don’t want to trust their husband for a time: They have been deeply hurt, and covenants have been betrayed. In fact, some women may not be able to trust themselves for a time, as they sift through questions and self- doubts about how they “missed it” or didn’t act sooner if they suspected something was wrong; thus, self-distrust is common in the mistrust cycle. It is important to invite women to consider how long and to what degree withholding trust will serve a helpful purpose. Women may also need to consider to what degree withholding trust is contributing to the cycle they want so desperately to break. For example, will prolonged mistrust really protect a woman from further betrayal? Is she attempting to use mistrust to motivate her partner to apologize and change his behavior? Or is mistrust a form of emotional distance that, if maintained, will be detrimental to the continuation of the marriage?
Women are not responsible for their partner’s pornography use, but they can be a powerful influence in the healing process. It is possible for a therapist or a bishop to be supportive of the husband and wife, while at the same time extending different invitations of responsibility to each. For example, the bishop might invite the husband to take full responsibility for stopping his use of pornography and invite the wife to clarify her own boundaries and communicate her desires respectfully (e.g., I will no longer participate in sexual practices that I find uncomfortable or degrading).
