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STEP TWO: CLARIFY ROLES
As in any contractual arrangement, the Living above Suspicion Contract requires that roles and expectations be clear. I have found the following expectations and roles beneficial:
1. The husband’s role in a Living above Suspicion Contract involves the following commitments:
- Demonstrate change through action • Acknowledge the pain caused by his secretive behaviors
- Do whatever is necessary to make amends and abandon the secretive and problematic patterns • Commit to work with ecclesiastical leaders and qualified professionals
2. The wife’s role in a Living above Suspicion Contract involves the following commitments:
- Gradually become open to trusting again
- Outline in writing what she needs to see, experience, know, Or hear in order to feel at peace with the relationship again (guidelines referred to as road maps in Dr. Janis Abrahms-Spring’s book After tlJe Affilir [1996J, in which she suggests that many men need specific, concrete examples of what needs to happen)
- Acknowledge changes her partner makes
- Deal with her distress and hurt in ways that do not demean or shame
3. The mediator’s role in a Living above Suspicion Contract is as follows:
- Assist in maintaining a climate of mutual respect and support (for example, by expressing concern for both parties and being careful not to take sides)
- Ensure the contract is realistic and related to the situation, and that it promotes dignity
- Ensure that there is a process of accountability by following up with the commitments made by the couple and acting as a witness to the agreements made between husband and wife. Accountability can also be fostered by setting follow-up dates and outlining how progress or discouragements will be reported back to the mediator.
- Work with the couple to make adjustments to the contract as progress is made
