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Living Above Suspicion

REESTABLISHING TRUST IN THE WAKE OF A PORNOGRAPHY PROBLEM

JILL C.MANNING, PHD

Westminster, Colorado

“Hearts are not had as a gift, but hearts are earned, By those that are not entirely beautiful.”
–William Butler Yeats

The children’s story Finocchio is an intriguing tale of transformation–of transforming a wooden heart into a real one. It is also a story about the distorting and disfiguring nature of lies. And, it is a story of how making promises to prove oneself brave, truthful, and unselfish can be a binding, motivational force when one is in way over his or her head and on the verge of drowning. The story of Finocchio has relevant parallels to the distorting influence of pornography, and it offers insights into the transformations that are needed for healing to occur. It also gives insight into the kinds of promises, and in the case of LDS families, covenants, that can be drawn upon to help set an individual, couple, or family free from pornography’s influence.

As a marriage and family therapist, I have encountered an increasing number of courageous men and women who are coming forward to speak up and out about concern over a loved ones struggle with pornography. Most have witnessed the hardening of a loved ones heart, have experienced the user’s increasing indifference to essential and sacred things, and have expressed heartache over feeling like they are in the presence of a stranger who is temporarily not”real” to them. In Jimminy Cricket-like fashion, they have figuratively cried, “Your nose is growing; your nose is growing!” Yet sadly the distorting influence of pornography has deadened the user’s ability to comprehend the full impact of what his or her secretive consumption and fantasy world have done. Ironically, the very thing that seduces pornography users into believing their sexual desires and curiosities can be satisfied in counterfeit ways also numbs them from being able to discern and experience the full range of human feelings needed for authentic, meaningful intimacy with a current or future spouse.

Assisting couples in overcoming this multifaceted problem can be a challenging task. Living above Suspicion Contracts1, which are the focus of this article, may be used by therapists or clergy to assist couples in reestablishing trust in the wake of a pornography problem. Living above Suspicion Contracts, in short, are written agreements mediated by a third party (e.g., a bishop or therapist) that outline active steps each party will take to gradually reestablish trust in the marital relationship. The structured and mediated nature of the contracts has been invaluable for many couples.

This article will address the impact of pornography use, the usefulness and nature of Living above Suspicion contracts, and the stages of developing the contract, including questions that can help couples increase awareness and solidify change.

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