Affection in Courtship and Marriage

The Role of Affection in Courtship and Marriage:

Some Reflections

Richard A. Heaps, Ph.D., ABPP[1]

As she sat across from me with tears of relief in her eyes, she relaxed in her chair and asked remorsefully why she had to suffer so needlessly, why no one had ever given her such an explanation before.  I had just finished explaining the reason physical affection can be so out of place during courtship, yet serve such a pleasant purpose and role within marriage.

It seems that before they were married, she and her husband enjoyed a pleasant relationship free from moral problems, but now she was having serious questions about the propriety of enjoying acts of affection with her husband.  Her concern had started causing feelings of ambivalence, guilt, anxiety and strain in their marriage; however, her new insights now led to a sense of excitement as she thought about her relationship with her husband.

In a way, her lack of awareness surprised me and gave me reason to ponder.  After she left, I sat back and reflected on her earlier uncertainties and what I had said that seemed so new and of which she had been so unaware.

I recalled my words.  I had explained to her that, “There is a reason even the ‘smallest’ sexual or physical acts are so important within marriage, yet so serious when engaged in beforehand.  You see, the opportunity to procreate and to have increase is a lasting or eternal opportunity only in the Celestial Kingdom.  In other words, the continuation or giving of lives is a celestial blessing.  We are given the approved opportunity to approximate that sacred celestial relationship here on the earth only within very rigid conditions established within a legitimate marriage relationship.”

I continued, “The sexual act which leads to the giving of life is sacred, proper and desirable within the bonds of a marriage relationship; however, the sexual act by itself without proper physical, emotional, and spiritual preparation can be accompanied by physical, emotional and spiritual pain.  Therefore, tender embracing, kissing and fondling are an important part of the preparation for the procreative act.  Each of these prepares, in a very natural way, for the next, which in turn prepares eventually for the culminating sexual union.  Because each of these acts are literally bound to each other in a preparatory physical ‘chain,’ one may stop this sequence at any point short of the next act only by exerting great will and energy.  This is the reason even the ‘least’ sexual or physical act is so important within marriage, yet so serious before marriage—it is intended to lead to ‘more’.”

“You know,” she said to me, “it has always been so confusing that physical affection could be so wrong one moment, and so right the next.  When I got married I couldn’t get rid of the feeling of wrongness, but now you seem to be telling me that such affection has never been wrong.”

“That’s correct,” I replied.  “Such physical intimacy has never suddenly become all right.  In fact, it has never been wrong…within marriage.  As you know, the setting (for example, the time and the place) has always determined the propriety of almost everything we do.  Pleasurable, physical affection has always been proper, desirable and even necessary within marriage.  Under ordinary circumstances you cannot have children without the procreative act, and that act must be prepared for in a tender and considerate manner.”

I further explained, “This is also why young couples prior to marriage need to be so cautious about their physical expressions of affection.  Each tender act is always intended to lead to more, and will lead to more unless interrupted by determined effort.  It isn’t a matter of weak will that couples are tempted to do more.  It’s just that those tender acts are supposed to prepare and physically move a husband and wife forward toward a culmination of their feelings of love in the procreative act, the mutual creation of life.”  She wept with relief.

After reflecting on this conversation, I recalled another occasion when I was anxiously confronted by a young engaged couple who had been having repeated moral problems of a moderately serious nature.  After explaining the sequential relationship between various acts of physical affection, they said to me, “We really want to keep our relationship clean, but how do we avoid that natural progression from one act of affection to more serious ones?”

Of course the solution was quite obvious.  Don’t start!  But they seemed to need more direction and explanation than that simple conclusion offered, so I paused and thought for a moment.  Then I said slowly, “It occurs to me that there are a couple of principles which, if followed, would help you avoid the problem you are asking about.  These principles are very simple and practical.  I find that when couples establish rigidly specific rules of conduct for their relationship, they always seem to find themselves in circumstances which allow for exceptions to their rules.  Principles, however, provide us with a rationale for making wise choices regarding our conduct, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.

“The first principle includes three conditions.  It is simply to avoid being alone together for long periods of time in a stationary position.  This will help you avoid the environment or circumstances which provide the opportunity for transgression.”  I continued, “Stop and think for a moment of the circumstances surrounding each time that you have gotten into moral difficulty.  Those circumstances have almost always had all three conditions in common.”

They interrupted, “But we want to be alone at times to talk about important, personal plans.  We can’t do that just anywhere.”

“Then keep in mind that you do not need to avoid being alone,” I reassured.  “The principle is to avoid all three conditions at the same time—being alone, for a long time, and in a stationary position.  Any one or two of these conditions in combination at the same time likely will not lead to a serious problem.  It is only when the third condition is present along with the other two that you have created the most likely opportunity for transgression.”  They seemed satisfied with the flexibility of that idea.

“The second principle,” I said, “is to avoid any behavior which tempts you personally to do more.  This will help you avoid the problems associated with the natural ‘chain’ relationship between various physical acts of affection.  If you avoid starting the chain, or if you avoid the temptation, you obviously avoid the later transgression.  I realize this sounds simplistic, but it will require a significant prior decision and a great deal of commitment on your part.”

As I sat looking at them for some sign of recognition, I watched them gaze at each other with alternating expressions of certainty and uncertainty.  Hesitating, they finally ventured, “We can see the wisdom in your advice, but we have strong feelings for each other.  How can we show our love and affection if we don’t kiss and embrace?”

I felt a kind of sadness at the myth they seemed to believe, and, at the same time, felt an eagerness to teach them because of their openness and their desire to learn.  I told them, “I realize that as each of you grow in love for the other, you want to show your growing love in increasingly stronger ways so that the other person will know you love him or her more now than you did before.  Unfortunately, the easiest, most readily accessible way to do this is through more frequent and passionate physical intimacies.  This has led to a prevalent untruth in the world that the most desirable expression of affection is a physical or sexual one.  This philosophy completely ignores the powerful expressions of affection that can come in other ways—such as through our emotions or our verbal and behavioral communications of warmth, through respectful acts, and through the countless little things we can do for each other.”

They appeared to be deep in thought now, their minds searching.  I finished with the recommendation that  “…the two of you will benefit by finding creative, non-physically intimate ways of expressing your growing affection for each other.  Once you are married you will find that your physical relationship will be only a very small part of all your interactions.  If you begin now to show your inward feelings of love in verbal and in non-sexual ways you will receive two benefits.  First, you will experience an excitingly enjoyable and morally clean relationship during your courtship.  In other words, you will be able to approach the marriage altar worthily and with a smile.  Second, you will begin to establish positive habits in the things you do together that will carry over into your marriage and help build even more satisfying and fulfilling ways of behaving toward each other.  Then the stronger feelings of mutual respect that you will have established will provide a more healthy context for appropriate expressions of physical affection in your marriage.”  Now their eyes sparkled with recognition as they looked at me and then at each other.  They could hardly wait to get started in an entirely new relationship with each other.

I felt a sense of satisfaction as I reflected on these two experiences; however, I began to wonder what brings about such unawareness in our young people.  Then it occurred to me that sometimes we may unintentionally spend so much time cautioning couples about the problems and consequences of immorality that we tend to neglect practical suggestions regarding how to maintain productive, morally clean relationships.  We also may neglect the need to place different kinds of affection in their proper context and relationship within courtship and marriage.

However, as true as this may be, in all fairness to parents and leaders of youth, we must recognize that such helpful discussions of the appropriate role of affection are much more likely to result in indelicate or insensitively explicit discussions than are brief cautions against immorality.  Nevertheless, our young people need to learn how to understand and to manage the close relationships of courtship and marriage, and this must include an understanding of the compelling connections between various acts of physical affection.  With this in mind, I reflected back over the principles shared in the two examples I had just reviewed and summarized them for myself:

1.  We are given the opportunity to approximate the celestial blessing of procreation here on the earth within the context of marriage, and there need be no guilt from enjoying this God-given relationship.  The sexual act does not “suddenly” become all right in marriage, but has always been proper, beautiful and even necessary.  It is the setting which provides the needed supportive conditions and determines the timeliness and propriety of any act.  Marriage is the setting for procreation.

2.  One must prepare for the procreative act to avoid physical, emotional or spiritual pain.  For this reason, even the smallest physical intimacies such as kissing and embracing are bound together in a sequential chain that creates a natural progression which culminates in the final sexual act.  One act naturally leads to another in a beautiful process.

3.  Since each tender physical act is intended to lead to the next, this sequence can be stopped only by exerting a great deal of strength and energy.  In other words, it is not because of weak will that couples are tempted to go further once they have started this physical “chain.”

4.  To avoid starting this natural “chain” of physical intimacies, couples should avoid any behavior which tempts them to do more.

5.  To avoid the environment and circumstances which allow for moral transgression, couples should avoid being alone together for long periods of time in stationary positions.  That is, they should avoid all three conditions at the same time.

6.  As a couple grows in their love for each other, it would enhance their courtship and their later marriage to continuously show their growing affection in creative, non-physically intimate ways.

These principles were helpful to an anguished young woman concerned about the propriety of a physical relationship with her husband, and also to a young engaged couple concerned about how to keep their relationship morally clean. It is hoped that they also will be helpful to others who want to establish mutually enhancing relationships.