Enriching Relationships
Relationships don’t have to be in crisis to benefit from couple counseling. Couple counseling can greatly enrich the bond between couples as they address stumbling blocks that hinder their growth and inhibit them from reaching a new level of happiness together. This may be those that are unmarried and wish to strengthen their connection; premarital counseling for those preparing to tie the knot; newlyweds that are adjusting to all the changes that come along with their new lives together; or those married couples that would simply like to work out some of the bugs!
Safe Haven Marriage
Can you envision a marriage in which you would feel safe enough to say what you feel?
If your marriage is not very happy or satisfying, chances are it is not an emotionally safe place for either you or your spouse. For years, marriage counseling has focused on communication skills and resolving conflicts. The desired outcome of therapy is the creation of a safe environment in the home where you are emotionally connected. Rather than skill-building and problem solving, couples need to feel emotionally safe, close, connected, cherished, and respected. Emotional engagement must precede all other skills, techniques, and methods in relationship building.
Sound Familiar?
One spouse fights for changes, while the other tries to maintain peace and quiet by staying away from any emotions that might start a fight.
“Nothing makes me more withdrawn than my wife’s blaming and anger and nothing makes my wife angrier than my lack of involvement and withdrawal.” This is an example of one of the many repetitious and cyclical patterns that can dominate a marital relationship. These patterns include cycles of criticism, arguing, pursuing, blaming, defending, and withdrawing-cycles that leave couples unable to offer comfort and safety to each other. How do you break such a cycle? How can the spouse who has trouble with withdrawal and difficulty in expressing emotion feel safe enough to come out of hiding? How can the spouse who blames and micromanages receive enough support and attention to feel cared for and heard?
Bonding & Connectivity
“For every thousand hacking at the leaves . . . there is one striking at the root.” (Thoreau).
You may gain insight, learn communication skills, go on a date night, and still not overcome the negative cyclical patterns that lead to feelings of isolation, aloneness, separateness, hopelessness, fear, and inadequacy in a marriage. Whether it appears to be the case or not, both partners are longing for connectivity with the other, longing to share, longing for attachment and bonding, and longing to be one. The negative patterns have suffocated and stifled each partner’s ability to give and receive what they long for and need. Remember that in the midst of all of your struggles, both of you long to have a safe place for your hearts, in fact, your fights and arguments happen because each of you are striving to be seen, understood, and valued.
Emotional Disengagement
The number one predictor of divorce is not money issues, selfishness, lack of communication, or even fighting and arguing, but the emotional disengagement that accompanies martial conflict.
Therapy focuses on the emotional engagement and bond between partners rather than teaching skill-building sequences or creating insight. It is unlikely that couples will use such skills when they are most relevant, that is, when each becomes distressed and vulnerable, and insight is considered insufficient to create lasting change in emotionally charged interactional patterns. We integrate the individual experience of each partner with the interpersonal interactions of the relationship. The goal of therapy is to reprocess experience and reorganize interactions to create a secure bond between the partners. Creating and sustaining an emotional connection with your spouse is the most important goal of therapy. Once that connection is in place, neither the busyness of life, pasts hurts and disappointments, perceived betrayals, nor differences in family background will have the power to do serious damage to your safe haven marriage.
